Not in Mayan House

I read an interesting article about how “Mayan apocalypse mania grips Russia“. Take a moment to peruse it.

First off, people are purchasing lots of salt. Salt! I have no idea why massive quantities of salt somehow elevates your disaster preparedness. Must be a Russian thing.

Too much salt or not, people are obviously not thinking this through. It really doesn’t matter what they’re purchasing. This is the End Of The World. That means no more world. Salt ain’t gonna matter one bit. Even if you believe in some sort of afterlife (on another planet since this one will be gone), I’m not sure salt and other hoarded items will travel with you into that particular spiritual plain. Yes candles make a bit more sense, but they’re equally useless after The Big One.

I have written an open letter:

Dear Russia:

If the world is ending — as in going away with nothing left of the planet — why do you need to prepare like there will be anything left? Please explain so I can join in the panic if necessary.



Personally, if I thought the world was really going to end in a few days, it would be lots of good food and booze for me. Sorry Johnny Walker Black: you’re not making the cut. From now until doomsday, it’s only scotch that’s old enough to drink itself, or preferably even old enough to be a Congress Critter or even a Senator. I won’t need money on December 22, so I might was well spend it on something delightful in the meantime. After all I’ll need something to wash down that a bunch of good ribs, beluga caviar, steaks, pizza, chocolate and other good food. (Don’t judge! This is my pre-apocalyptic fantasy. If you don’t like it, get your own.)

I also suspect I’ll have to rent a Bentley and hoon it mercilessly. Won’t matter if I void the warranty … there won’t be any dealerships left to deny coverage. Heck, I’ll even take a couple of tickets for bad driving. After all, I won’t have to pay them and once my license is vaporized along with the rest of planet Earth.

I could go on for hours and hours about what I’d purchase in the days prior to everyone’s ultimate demise, but that would be wasting valuable time that I could use to eat rich foods, drink strong drinks, and ogle women shamelessly. Yet within that entire theoretical bucket list of stuff, long as it may be, there will not be a single mention of salt. Or candles. I’m kind of glad the Russians have gone crazy buying stuff that I don’t need or want. Leaves plenty of stock of the things I do want without having to worry about price gouging.

Fortunately, no Mayan insanity has gripped me. I have no special plans for the apocalypse. The way I figure it is that if the End of The World doesn’t happen but I act like it will, I’ll be wasteful and stupid, feeling like a complete idiot the day after nothing happens and having no money, a hangover and a bunch of speeding tickets.

On the other hand, if this is a real thing and it happens, I’ll be completely and thoroughly annihilated, and won’t know what I missed out on anyway. Unless I get reincarnated as a toad on another planet. Then I’ll be good and pissed.


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